A few weeks ago, I spoke of hitting rock bottom. Today, I tell you a little bit about the town of plateaus. You're going to have to excuse my back-to-back-to-back entries about me, myself, and I and all things affecting me. Sometimes, things just are, and they freakin' hurt...the question to focus on is: What exactly are you going to do about it? That, my friend, is where you come in. That's the part where all I ask, is for you to listen.
I find out about whether or not I got into a dietetic internship program and/or grad school in less than a week. 12:01 a.m. Monday, November 17, 2008 to be exact. The day when it all changes. The day I've been waiting for the past 7.5 weeks (9 months if you count the first time I applied and didn't get in, 1.5 years if you start counting from my graduation date when I decided I needed to apply). Without further exaggeration, it's been a long time coming. Why can't I seem to wait six more days? Because it's all I think about every minute of every day. Because everything that I accomplish in a day exemplify my feeble attempts trying not to think about it, or plotting out my great escape if (knock on wood) the unthinkable happens and...I don't get in.
What I have been trying to focus on is...this is the best part. The anticipation, the apprehension, the not knowing. It's like the moment before the first kiss, the look on a groom's face the second his wife-to-be is in his sight, the sweat that makes hands sticky right before a first date, the silence that takes over a table of great conversationalists when the waiter comes out with their food. It's like that, it feels like that. Because once it happens, the excitement is all gone, and the circle of this seemingly routine life starts all over again. This is the best part. I, Monica, am fully capable of waiting six more days. Because once I know...well, then I'll just know. And what kind of excitement is there when you just know?
My life, is currently a town of plateaus because...I don't know what's ahead of me, I don't know what to do from here on out. This year has been emotionally draining and never have I ever felt so lost...yet found (contradicting, I know). They say that life is what you make it, that you'll get what you want as long as you keep fighting for it. But what happens when you lose grasp of that thing you want, subsequently destroying every ounce of hope that you've been holding onto for as long as you can remember? You try again...and again...and again...(notice the ellipsis).
Ever failed.
No matter.
Try again.
Fail again.
Fail better.
-Samuel Beckett
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